Back in Control !!

My husband and I had eaten so much on Saturday that I was so bloated I hurt. It was then and there that I decided that I really need to get this eating under control. So on Monday, after feeling crappy for 2 days, I got myself back on track. I'm eating alot less than I usually do and I have to say, I had two times that I could of eaten, and I didn't.

Monday, I had to meet some people for a conference call over at a pizza joint. Earlier in the day, hubby and I had the new sandwich over at Subway. So all I had at the pizza place was a diet soda. YES!! That felt so good to be able to be in control. For those of you who don't have a weight problem, this is HUGE!! To be able to pass up pizza??? Even a salad??? Wow...I have to say it felt really good.

Then today , I meet a customer over at Rite Aid to deliver her Avon to her. Across the street is a Dairy Queen. I actually went thru the parking lot of DQ and was ready to get in the drive thru, but then thought, I really don't need that chocolate dipped ice cream cone, ,and just kept on driving. ANOTHER VICTORY!!

I hope this feeling of victory and control keeps going on. I have to realize, I will have slip ups, but if I can stay in control for most of the time, I should see a weight loss. I still need to get water worked into my day and I'll certainly get that going tomorrow.

But for now, I'm going to bask in the glow of my renewed vow to lose this weight. I pray to God I can do this, or I fear I might not be on this earth too much longer.

What to do?

I've been feeling sort of melancholy for the last few days and can't figure out why. I thought maybe it was hormones or something. So I've been eating more than usual...yes I know...that's ALOT!

I had my husband bring home ice cream. He works for a food services place so he can get those huge containers like they have at the ice cream shops. So I've been having ice cream sodas the last couple of nights.

So I'm sitting here and my daughter in law calls and tells me that my ex-husband is in the hospital. He apparently has had a heart attack. We haven't been married for over 12 years but of course, there is still always that tiny little spot in my heart for him. We were married 19 years so he was a big part of my life. And we had a son together so he does matter to me but I find myself having any kind of feelings on the matter which I find weird.

I was wondering if maybe the reason I've been feeling so down, is because maybe I had a feeling something was going to happen. Sounds strange, but I do get "feelings" or maybe premonitions about things. I had no reason to feel down or depressed. Things are going pretty well except for the money situation that plagues us daily but that's a whole other story.

So here I sit in the northwest while my son has to deal with his father who is in the hospital in California. I really don't know what to do. Since my ex and I have divorced, we haven't had a very good relationship and its been pretty non-existant since my son turned 18 and that was almost 10 years ago. He feels he was burned pretty good so hasn't wanted to try and talk or anything, so it puts me in a situation of not knowing what to do. So again....I eat. Thinking that eating will solve all my problems but all it does is makes me feel worse.

I had a friend who tagged photos of me to facebook and all I see is a typical older fat woman sitting there with her 3 chins and double rolls on her middle area. Not a pretty sight. I just don't know what it's going to take and I know I keep saying that but I'm even too lazy to go to the doctor and see if I can get some kind of surgery to get rid of this fat. Yes, something I said I would never do, and now I just feel its the only way. I know what it takes to lose weight, and it's not easy and it's just something I'm not up to. I was hoping seeing my husband getting heavier too would motivate me to help him lose weight which in turn would help me lose weight, but it doesn't. We both just keep eating.

So with not having any money, not knowing how to help my son thru this with his father, and we're selling our house, and eating like someone is going to come and take all my food away, I'm not in a good place and I don't know what to do about it.

I guess I'm not in such a good place after all. I know the money situation is getting too me alot. We have to call one company after another to try and see how far we can push paying into the month. This will be the second month we've been late on paying the mortgage and I'm hoping that's not going to mess up my parents credit since the mortgage is in their names.

You're probably saying well get off of your ass and get a job. Well, I did work for over 22 years about 14 years ago, and then got hurt on the job, retrained and then when I applied for the job they told me I couldn't qualify because of my injury so haven't worked since. Can't collect disability because they say my disability isn't bad enough, so I'm sorta outta luck. I did try and go and work for Walmart as a cashier, but by the end of the day, I could barely walk out to my car because of my back. My husband works hard to support us so can't really ask him to get a second job. I did start selling Avon a year ago, but not making a bundle off of it, and have been using that money to pay some of the bills so now I'm going to be short on getting that paid back to Avon so they don't put a hold on my order, so now I don't know what to do.

Sorta frustrated with all this going on and now that I've typed it all out here....I guess things arent so good right now.

Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser and when a commercial comes on, I go to the kitchen to see what there is to eat. There's really nothing. So I'm looking at the little tubes of icing that you use to write on a cake. Hmmm...two of them left..yes, I've eaten one of them already. So I take the red one, cut the top off, and then grab the little Decors and go and sit and watch the program where people are working their asses off to lose weight and I do nothing but eat.
I mean really, sitting here eating this crap, it's pretty pathetic. But it is what it is. I wish I had the wherewithall to lose the way they do. And believe me, I know that is not realistic, TBL, but still, it can be done but just not in the time frame that they're on.

I ask myself, how long am I going to keep doing this? How long am I going to be out of control?
Do I have to have a heart attack before I do something? Do I need to lose my sight, my ability to walk because of my diabetes before I'll do something? It's already hard to walk with my big fat gut hanging down between my legs. I know I waddle.

I watched Ruby last Sunday and she went to an intensive 6 day program where they tried to find out what had happened in their lives to make a person fat. What deep dark secret is there that triggered that person to start eating and never look back. I've thought about my life growing up and I always thought it was a good childhood. It seemed pretty typical anyhow. But then when I heard Ruby and her friends talking and what had happened to them, I realized maybe I have abandonment issues and sometimes I just don't feel that I'm very important to anyone, like I don't exist at times. Really, would anyone really be upset if I weren't around?

I remember my best friend Cindy when I was growing up. We did everything together. Visited each others homes, had slumber parties, hung out in school, (I'm talking around 7-8 year olds) and then my parents decided to move. Not in the same area, but about 20 minutes away from Cindy. After that, we just didn't really see each other after that. Then there was the time that my brother and I had walked down to the corner where our dad came around on his motorcycle when he got home from work. It was probably a mile or so away. We were probably around 10 and 12. Well, my dad takes my brother first and I'm just left there. The reason I bring these things up is because I've remembered them all this time, and I'm 55 now, so it must of mattered. I know it's part of life to lose friends, but it's just hard for me and I think since then, I don't let people get close to me. I've even dated married men, knowing they would never be mine and that at the end of the day they would be going home to their wife. I have walls up. It's so hard to explain and sometimes I wonder if that's my problem.

But how do I truly really diagnose the problem and when and if I do, how do I get past it to where I start to love myself like so many people do? Do I need to go to a doctor to help me analyze my problems?

Hi Again

It's been quite some time since I've been on here so thought I should write a post.
I'm watching Ruby and wishing I could of been with her at the 6 day retreat that her and her friends from the Fat Night. I would really truly love to know the reason that I'm fat. I've tried so hard to figure it out, and then sometimes am so afraid to find out.

We went on vacation to Las Vegas last month and my son and dil met us there. We went to the different casinos, but because of my weight and my neuropathy, I couldn't walk as much as I would of liked. I felt as if I was holding them all back from doing more and felt really bad and even made a promise to them to lose weight so it wouldn't happen again.

I did good the first couple of days being home but after that just fell into the same habits. I'm so pathetic. I have no boundries, I have no will power, I have no strength in denying myself of the fattening foods. I truly believe I am a foodaholic.

I've been feeding my frenzy all night. I've had tortillas with cheese melted in between them, I've had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hot chocolate, and my dinner of meatloaf and brocolli with rice in cheese and still, if there were more to eat, I would. I can feel myself getting full, but still the urge to eat is there. I'm very bored to where FB isn't even keeping my mind off of food.
It's been rainy for days so really can't go out and walk around or do anything outside. We have been going out working in the yard some...but it's so wet, not much can be done.

I don't know if part of it is the stress of not having any money. I mean literally...we don't have a dime to our name. We're going to be late on our house insurance, car insurance, mortgage and also don't even have a way to pay my Avon order bill because we've used it all to keep our bank accounts out of the red. So now, it's either be late on every thing, or be late on the mortgage....I think it's probably going to be the mortgage.

I wish I could go out and work. I tried to. I worked at Walmart for about a week. Five days was sitting at a computer and going thru training, and the first day I worked the cash register, I could barely walk the next day due to my feet and my back. Needless to say, I had to quit. That was so frustrating since we needed the extra money. Sometimes I wish Jim would just find a part time job for a couple of months to get us out of this debt, but since he works a regular job as it is, I don't feel right in asking him to do that. I just wish he would volunteer to do it thought.

So, there you have it. I still don't have any kind of control over my eating. I feel so helpless. And on top of all this, we put our house up for sale. We want to move to Henderson. Yes I know, going from one climate to another but at least we'll be able to do more outside and I'm hoping to get a pool. My parents will be moving with us since we're all on the same property, and I worry about them because sometimes I feel I'm just being selfish since I'm the one that initiated this move. My dad is happy about it and my mom just says as long as we are all on the same street or block, then she's ok with it. I just don't know if this is going to hurt them somehow because of their age.

So yes, I feel so helpless, so depressed, and just......low.

My son and daughter-in-law will be here next week. My son has been dieting big time so he can go into the navy and he's done really well. He's gotten to his goal weight and even lost more. He exercises about 3-4 hours a day.

Now he wants to come up here and eat. He wants cake, meatloaf, chili, a snack night while be play board games, nachos from bingo and I'm afraid to find out what else. How am I going to control my eating with all this around?

I ended up eating about 4 pieces of that damn cake. I thought I would of had more control but I just don't.

Today I had a strawberry shake, a meal bar, 3 homemade tacos and was doing pretty well. Even almost got a whole liter of water in. Then hubby goes to work, and I was pissed at him, so I had left over Heath bits and chocolate chips so I ate those. Nothing is safe in this house!!! I'm on my third diet root beer and am still so thirsty due to my diabetes.

Thankfully tomorrow we'll be out making deliveries so I won't be home to sit here and eat and will be getting in some exercise.

Like I've said, I know so much of my problem is just plain old boredom, so I've started crocheting again making stuffed animals that I want to sell at the Farmer's market in town. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my food intake in check by getting more involved in something.

So I've been doing pretty good for a couple days now. I'm down 2 more pounds...but then we decide to go to bingo at the casino. Spend a little money and have a good time. BUT,.. the nachos they have there are soooooooo good. So I decide, I won't eat til we go tonight. The only thing I had all day was a pop and meal bar, so hopefully it won't impact my weight too much.

So we go. I get the nachos and a pop. Oh, yeah that hit the spot. But it's ok...I usually eat the whole thing but this time I didn't . So you have to admit, that's an improvement for me since usually I devour the whole thing. I drink pop after pop and then I need some candy. We get chocolate covered peanuts. (I share with hubby) I win $300 on bingo (YAY) and then we go and play the slots.

Then we get home and I have to bake a cake for an bake auction over at the Eagles club that they're having for St. Patty's Day. I'm up til about 1am. I didn't eat anything which was good and then once the cake is baked, (I did sample a bit) I go to bed.

Get up in the morning, and get the cake all frosted. The cake is cocoa chocolate cake with toffee pieces in it, with a creamy fluffy frosting with some milk chocolate pieces and toffee pieces sprinkled on top. It's gotta be 4 inches thick because I used one of those foil pans made for lasagne. I want it to go for alot of money at the auction so I have to make it as enticing as I can.

The cake is done and my friend calls to ask what we're up to. I tell her that we're going to the Eagles to drop off the cake for the auction, and that's when she informs me that the event happened last night!!! OMG!! What crap is this? I look up the newletter and find out it WAS last night! I'm so pissed ,panicked, and I don't want this cake in the house. We go and give my parents a 1/4 of it. I know they dont want more of it. My Dad is a diabetic and my Mom is gaining weight so they don't need it anymore than I do. So what do I do, I have a piece of it...not just a regular piece, no....I have to have 1/2 of a quarter of it. It's good, but I couldn't eat it all so throw the rest away.

Now we still have 1/2 of this humongeous cake. I've gotta be strong because I really dont want to gain all the weight back that I just lost...but alas, when I got up this morning, and just because of the nachos and candy, I gained two back. But I'm hoping that because of the salt factor, it will be gone tomorrow. Let's hope that the cake doesnt add that much more on. I doubt I'll eat very much the rest of the day and I'll try to force the water down.

Why?

So I'm sitting here, watching tv, trying to find anything to do but eat, but eating is all that's on my mind.

I've heard about blogging and how it can take your mind off of things, so I decide to get my mind off of food, but then how am I to do that if I'm going to blog about food, and all it entails...such as eating it. Sounds like a Catch-22 if you ask me.

But I figure, I'll give it a try.

Could it be working already? I'm concentrating on this, so I'm not thinking about food, Oh, but wait a minute, I say the word food and I start thinking about it again. ....see a Catch-22 if I ever say one.



The reasons I want to....or should I say, need to loose the weight is because I'm a 55 year old woman who is obese, VERY OBESE, and who has diabetes, high blood pressure and on the verge of having high cholesterol.....or possibly might already since I was suppose to go back to the doctor in January, but decided against it because I was suppose to lose weight but didn't so I'll probably have to go back on the meds for all the lovely problems I have. ...well, plus it cost so damn much to go back to see the doctor. I know, excuses if I ever saw them.



So here I sit, watching House and thinking about the pumpkin cake with the cream cheese frosting sitting in my fridge. You may ask, why is it sitting in there? Well, I wanted something sweet last night, and searched and searched thru my cupboards that are already bare so I won't eat everything in sight, but still found a can of pumpkin left over from Thanksgiving. Ok, so what can I make with that? Look on the back of the can, and there it is, pumpkin bars! But no, we don't want to make a few crumby bars, we want a big 'ol cake with some thick cream cheese frosting smeared all over it. So I make the cake. It cools, I frost it, I eat a piece. MMMM...I eat another piece. The taste of it in my mouth is unbelieveably delicious. Ok, that's enough for now. And I know I've satisfied my taste for sweets so I should be fine. Then today gets here.I do great the whole day, but then the minute hubby leaves for work, my mind is on the cake once again. I do all I can to get it out of my mind. I start to think about how it feels in my mouth, how it taste, the texture, the pure joy I get out of just having it in my mouth. One piece down, mop the floor, vaccuum, give two huge pieces to my parents, leave two huge pieces for the hubby, but there is still one piece left....hmmmm....yep, you've guessed it, I got another piece and ate it. And still those pieces that are left for hubby,...no..no I can't.



And so I start this blog, to maybe see if I can sort out my reasons, my need, for why I feel I have to eat. Can it just be the taste I'm after? Is there some deep dark secret that coerces me to go and stuff food in my face? I can relate to Ruby on tv. She can't remember alot of her childhood...could that be my problem? Was I abused or something when I was younger to where I have this eating disorder? I've always been overweight...as long as I can remember. I've been on so may diets it's ridiculous. Pills, meal bars, shakes, Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers and TOPS, joined the different weight loss groups on the internet, exercised, even back in the 80s when you would go in to get a shot of a pregnant woman's placenta and eat a chicken breast every day, and the tons of water I've drank...I could fill Lake Erie...well, in a matter of speaking...I probably have...lol



So what or why is the reason I feel I have to consume everything in sight? I think, it's because I just like the taste of food....so I've classified myself as a food-aholic. I'm like an alcoholic, except I gotta have the food. And it's even harder than being an alcoholic or someone who smokes. You have to have food. If I were an alcoholic, or smoked, you have to go out and get those things...food is always accessible because it's always in the house. And if I just had the "good" foods in the house....I would still abuse it and eat more than I should. And therein lies my other problem, I have no control over portions. I can eat all the "good" foods, but if I don't watch the protions, isn't it the same as just stuffing myself with the "bad" foods?

For the last 3 weeks I've been trying to eat sensibly. I drink a protein shake in the morning. Cookies and Cream shakes. Very good tasting. Then have maybe a cup of light yogurt and 1/2 cup of granola.For dinner, I have a small piece of meat and some veggies and then at night I have a piece of fruit. How long do you think I will last on this one?

I just want to loose some weight before I go to Vegas. I haven't seen my son for almost a year. He moved to California with his wife. And we plan on going to California for a couple days to visit, and then on to Vegas. I've put some more weight on since I lost saw them. I had lost 75 pounds about 2 years ago, but I've gained it all back but about 30 of it. I wonder if they'll notice? So now I want to hurry and lose that 45 pounds in a month....like that's going to happen. Well I have lost 10 of it...but we all know thats pretty much water weight. I'm still not getting offa my butt and exercising, so Im still not really using up calories except for what I usually lose just from everyday activities.

So for right now, right this minute, the urge to go eat another piece of that cake, has passed. And so I think I'm going to leave this blog for the moment and go drink a gallon of water. If the urge comes back,......as Arnold Swarzenegger says, I'll be back!