Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser and when a commercial comes on, I go to the kitchen to see what there is to eat. There's really nothing. So I'm looking at the little tubes of icing that you use to write on a cake. Hmmm...two of them left..yes, I've eaten one of them already. So I take the red one, cut the top off, and then grab the little Decors and go and sit and watch the program where people are working their asses off to lose weight and I do nothing but eat.
I mean really, sitting here eating this crap, it's pretty pathetic. But it is what it is. I wish I had the wherewithall to lose the way they do. And believe me, I know that is not realistic, TBL, but still, it can be done but just not in the time frame that they're on.

I ask myself, how long am I going to keep doing this? How long am I going to be out of control?
Do I have to have a heart attack before I do something? Do I need to lose my sight, my ability to walk because of my diabetes before I'll do something? It's already hard to walk with my big fat gut hanging down between my legs. I know I waddle.

I watched Ruby last Sunday and she went to an intensive 6 day program where they tried to find out what had happened in their lives to make a person fat. What deep dark secret is there that triggered that person to start eating and never look back. I've thought about my life growing up and I always thought it was a good childhood. It seemed pretty typical anyhow. But then when I heard Ruby and her friends talking and what had happened to them, I realized maybe I have abandonment issues and sometimes I just don't feel that I'm very important to anyone, like I don't exist at times. Really, would anyone really be upset if I weren't around?

I remember my best friend Cindy when I was growing up. We did everything together. Visited each others homes, had slumber parties, hung out in school, (I'm talking around 7-8 year olds) and then my parents decided to move. Not in the same area, but about 20 minutes away from Cindy. After that, we just didn't really see each other after that. Then there was the time that my brother and I had walked down to the corner where our dad came around on his motorcycle when he got home from work. It was probably a mile or so away. We were probably around 10 and 12. Well, my dad takes my brother first and I'm just left there. The reason I bring these things up is because I've remembered them all this time, and I'm 55 now, so it must of mattered. I know it's part of life to lose friends, but it's just hard for me and I think since then, I don't let people get close to me. I've even dated married men, knowing they would never be mine and that at the end of the day they would be going home to their wife. I have walls up. It's so hard to explain and sometimes I wonder if that's my problem.

But how do I truly really diagnose the problem and when and if I do, how do I get past it to where I start to love myself like so many people do? Do I need to go to a doctor to help me analyze my problems?