Hi Again

It's been quite some time since I've been on here so thought I should write a post.
I'm watching Ruby and wishing I could of been with her at the 6 day retreat that her and her friends from the Fat Night. I would really truly love to know the reason that I'm fat. I've tried so hard to figure it out, and then sometimes am so afraid to find out.

We went on vacation to Las Vegas last month and my son and dil met us there. We went to the different casinos, but because of my weight and my neuropathy, I couldn't walk as much as I would of liked. I felt as if I was holding them all back from doing more and felt really bad and even made a promise to them to lose weight so it wouldn't happen again.

I did good the first couple of days being home but after that just fell into the same habits. I'm so pathetic. I have no boundries, I have no will power, I have no strength in denying myself of the fattening foods. I truly believe I am a foodaholic.

I've been feeding my frenzy all night. I've had tortillas with cheese melted in between them, I've had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hot chocolate, and my dinner of meatloaf and brocolli with rice in cheese and still, if there were more to eat, I would. I can feel myself getting full, but still the urge to eat is there. I'm very bored to where FB isn't even keeping my mind off of food.
It's been rainy for days so really can't go out and walk around or do anything outside. We have been going out working in the yard some...but it's so wet, not much can be done.

I don't know if part of it is the stress of not having any money. I mean literally...we don't have a dime to our name. We're going to be late on our house insurance, car insurance, mortgage and also don't even have a way to pay my Avon order bill because we've used it all to keep our bank accounts out of the red. So now, it's either be late on every thing, or be late on the mortgage....I think it's probably going to be the mortgage.

I wish I could go out and work. I tried to. I worked at Walmart for about a week. Five days was sitting at a computer and going thru training, and the first day I worked the cash register, I could barely walk the next day due to my feet and my back. Needless to say, I had to quit. That was so frustrating since we needed the extra money. Sometimes I wish Jim would just find a part time job for a couple of months to get us out of this debt, but since he works a regular job as it is, I don't feel right in asking him to do that. I just wish he would volunteer to do it thought.

So, there you have it. I still don't have any kind of control over my eating. I feel so helpless. And on top of all this, we put our house up for sale. We want to move to Henderson. Yes I know, going from one climate to another but at least we'll be able to do more outside and I'm hoping to get a pool. My parents will be moving with us since we're all on the same property, and I worry about them because sometimes I feel I'm just being selfish since I'm the one that initiated this move. My dad is happy about it and my mom just says as long as we are all on the same street or block, then she's ok with it. I just don't know if this is going to hurt them somehow because of their age.

So yes, I feel so helpless, so depressed, and just......low.