Back in Control !!

My husband and I had eaten so much on Saturday that I was so bloated I hurt. It was then and there that I decided that I really need to get this eating under control. So on Monday, after feeling crappy for 2 days, I got myself back on track. I'm eating alot less than I usually do and I have to say, I had two times that I could of eaten, and I didn't.

Monday, I had to meet some people for a conference call over at a pizza joint. Earlier in the day, hubby and I had the new sandwich over at Subway. So all I had at the pizza place was a diet soda. YES!! That felt so good to be able to be in control. For those of you who don't have a weight problem, this is HUGE!! To be able to pass up pizza??? Even a salad??? Wow...I have to say it felt really good.

Then today , I meet a customer over at Rite Aid to deliver her Avon to her. Across the street is a Dairy Queen. I actually went thru the parking lot of DQ and was ready to get in the drive thru, but then thought, I really don't need that chocolate dipped ice cream cone, ,and just kept on driving. ANOTHER VICTORY!!

I hope this feeling of victory and control keeps going on. I have to realize, I will have slip ups, but if I can stay in control for most of the time, I should see a weight loss. I still need to get water worked into my day and I'll certainly get that going tomorrow.

But for now, I'm going to bask in the glow of my renewed vow to lose this weight. I pray to God I can do this, or I fear I might not be on this earth too much longer.

What to do?

I've been feeling sort of melancholy for the last few days and can't figure out why. I thought maybe it was hormones or something. So I've been eating more than usual...yes I know...that's ALOT!

I had my husband bring home ice cream. He works for a food services place so he can get those huge containers like they have at the ice cream shops. So I've been having ice cream sodas the last couple of nights.

So I'm sitting here and my daughter in law calls and tells me that my ex-husband is in the hospital. He apparently has had a heart attack. We haven't been married for over 12 years but of course, there is still always that tiny little spot in my heart for him. We were married 19 years so he was a big part of my life. And we had a son together so he does matter to me but I find myself having any kind of feelings on the matter which I find weird.

I was wondering if maybe the reason I've been feeling so down, is because maybe I had a feeling something was going to happen. Sounds strange, but I do get "feelings" or maybe premonitions about things. I had no reason to feel down or depressed. Things are going pretty well except for the money situation that plagues us daily but that's a whole other story.

So here I sit in the northwest while my son has to deal with his father who is in the hospital in California. I really don't know what to do. Since my ex and I have divorced, we haven't had a very good relationship and its been pretty non-existant since my son turned 18 and that was almost 10 years ago. He feels he was burned pretty good so hasn't wanted to try and talk or anything, so it puts me in a situation of not knowing what to do. So again....I eat. Thinking that eating will solve all my problems but all it does is makes me feel worse.

I had a friend who tagged photos of me to facebook and all I see is a typical older fat woman sitting there with her 3 chins and double rolls on her middle area. Not a pretty sight. I just don't know what it's going to take and I know I keep saying that but I'm even too lazy to go to the doctor and see if I can get some kind of surgery to get rid of this fat. Yes, something I said I would never do, and now I just feel its the only way. I know what it takes to lose weight, and it's not easy and it's just something I'm not up to. I was hoping seeing my husband getting heavier too would motivate me to help him lose weight which in turn would help me lose weight, but it doesn't. We both just keep eating.

So with not having any money, not knowing how to help my son thru this with his father, and we're selling our house, and eating like someone is going to come and take all my food away, I'm not in a good place and I don't know what to do about it.

I guess I'm not in such a good place after all. I know the money situation is getting too me alot. We have to call one company after another to try and see how far we can push paying into the month. This will be the second month we've been late on paying the mortgage and I'm hoping that's not going to mess up my parents credit since the mortgage is in their names.

You're probably saying well get off of your ass and get a job. Well, I did work for over 22 years about 14 years ago, and then got hurt on the job, retrained and then when I applied for the job they told me I couldn't qualify because of my injury so haven't worked since. Can't collect disability because they say my disability isn't bad enough, so I'm sorta outta luck. I did try and go and work for Walmart as a cashier, but by the end of the day, I could barely walk out to my car because of my back. My husband works hard to support us so can't really ask him to get a second job. I did start selling Avon a year ago, but not making a bundle off of it, and have been using that money to pay some of the bills so now I'm going to be short on getting that paid back to Avon so they don't put a hold on my order, so now I don't know what to do.

Sorta frustrated with all this going on and now that I've typed it all out here....I guess things arent so good right now.

Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser and when a commercial comes on, I go to the kitchen to see what there is to eat. There's really nothing. So I'm looking at the little tubes of icing that you use to write on a cake. Hmmm...two of them left..yes, I've eaten one of them already. So I take the red one, cut the top off, and then grab the little Decors and go and sit and watch the program where people are working their asses off to lose weight and I do nothing but eat.
I mean really, sitting here eating this crap, it's pretty pathetic. But it is what it is. I wish I had the wherewithall to lose the way they do. And believe me, I know that is not realistic, TBL, but still, it can be done but just not in the time frame that they're on.

I ask myself, how long am I going to keep doing this? How long am I going to be out of control?
Do I have to have a heart attack before I do something? Do I need to lose my sight, my ability to walk because of my diabetes before I'll do something? It's already hard to walk with my big fat gut hanging down between my legs. I know I waddle.

I watched Ruby last Sunday and she went to an intensive 6 day program where they tried to find out what had happened in their lives to make a person fat. What deep dark secret is there that triggered that person to start eating and never look back. I've thought about my life growing up and I always thought it was a good childhood. It seemed pretty typical anyhow. But then when I heard Ruby and her friends talking and what had happened to them, I realized maybe I have abandonment issues and sometimes I just don't feel that I'm very important to anyone, like I don't exist at times. Really, would anyone really be upset if I weren't around?

I remember my best friend Cindy when I was growing up. We did everything together. Visited each others homes, had slumber parties, hung out in school, (I'm talking around 7-8 year olds) and then my parents decided to move. Not in the same area, but about 20 minutes away from Cindy. After that, we just didn't really see each other after that. Then there was the time that my brother and I had walked down to the corner where our dad came around on his motorcycle when he got home from work. It was probably a mile or so away. We were probably around 10 and 12. Well, my dad takes my brother first and I'm just left there. The reason I bring these things up is because I've remembered them all this time, and I'm 55 now, so it must of mattered. I know it's part of life to lose friends, but it's just hard for me and I think since then, I don't let people get close to me. I've even dated married men, knowing they would never be mine and that at the end of the day they would be going home to their wife. I have walls up. It's so hard to explain and sometimes I wonder if that's my problem.

But how do I truly really diagnose the problem and when and if I do, how do I get past it to where I start to love myself like so many people do? Do I need to go to a doctor to help me analyze my problems?

Hi Again

It's been quite some time since I've been on here so thought I should write a post.
I'm watching Ruby and wishing I could of been with her at the 6 day retreat that her and her friends from the Fat Night. I would really truly love to know the reason that I'm fat. I've tried so hard to figure it out, and then sometimes am so afraid to find out.

We went on vacation to Las Vegas last month and my son and dil met us there. We went to the different casinos, but because of my weight and my neuropathy, I couldn't walk as much as I would of liked. I felt as if I was holding them all back from doing more and felt really bad and even made a promise to them to lose weight so it wouldn't happen again.

I did good the first couple of days being home but after that just fell into the same habits. I'm so pathetic. I have no boundries, I have no will power, I have no strength in denying myself of the fattening foods. I truly believe I am a foodaholic.

I've been feeding my frenzy all night. I've had tortillas with cheese melted in between them, I've had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hot chocolate, and my dinner of meatloaf and brocolli with rice in cheese and still, if there were more to eat, I would. I can feel myself getting full, but still the urge to eat is there. I'm very bored to where FB isn't even keeping my mind off of food.
It's been rainy for days so really can't go out and walk around or do anything outside. We have been going out working in the yard some...but it's so wet, not much can be done.

I don't know if part of it is the stress of not having any money. I mean literally...we don't have a dime to our name. We're going to be late on our house insurance, car insurance, mortgage and also don't even have a way to pay my Avon order bill because we've used it all to keep our bank accounts out of the red. So now, it's either be late on every thing, or be late on the mortgage....I think it's probably going to be the mortgage.

I wish I could go out and work. I tried to. I worked at Walmart for about a week. Five days was sitting at a computer and going thru training, and the first day I worked the cash register, I could barely walk the next day due to my feet and my back. Needless to say, I had to quit. That was so frustrating since we needed the extra money. Sometimes I wish Jim would just find a part time job for a couple of months to get us out of this debt, but since he works a regular job as it is, I don't feel right in asking him to do that. I just wish he would volunteer to do it thought.

So, there you have it. I still don't have any kind of control over my eating. I feel so helpless. And on top of all this, we put our house up for sale. We want to move to Henderson. Yes I know, going from one climate to another but at least we'll be able to do more outside and I'm hoping to get a pool. My parents will be moving with us since we're all on the same property, and I worry about them because sometimes I feel I'm just being selfish since I'm the one that initiated this move. My dad is happy about it and my mom just says as long as we are all on the same street or block, then she's ok with it. I just don't know if this is going to hurt them somehow because of their age.

So yes, I feel so helpless, so depressed, and just......low.