Why?

So I'm sitting here, watching tv, trying to find anything to do but eat, but eating is all that's on my mind.

I've heard about blogging and how it can take your mind off of things, so I decide to get my mind off of food, but then how am I to do that if I'm going to blog about food, and all it entails...such as eating it. Sounds like a Catch-22 if you ask me.

But I figure, I'll give it a try.

Could it be working already? I'm concentrating on this, so I'm not thinking about food, Oh, but wait a minute, I say the word food and I start thinking about it again. ....see a Catch-22 if I ever say one.



The reasons I want to....or should I say, need to loose the weight is because I'm a 55 year old woman who is obese, VERY OBESE, and who has diabetes, high blood pressure and on the verge of having high cholesterol.....or possibly might already since I was suppose to go back to the doctor in January, but decided against it because I was suppose to lose weight but didn't so I'll probably have to go back on the meds for all the lovely problems I have. ...well, plus it cost so damn much to go back to see the doctor. I know, excuses if I ever saw them.



So here I sit, watching House and thinking about the pumpkin cake with the cream cheese frosting sitting in my fridge. You may ask, why is it sitting in there? Well, I wanted something sweet last night, and searched and searched thru my cupboards that are already bare so I won't eat everything in sight, but still found a can of pumpkin left over from Thanksgiving. Ok, so what can I make with that? Look on the back of the can, and there it is, pumpkin bars! But no, we don't want to make a few crumby bars, we want a big 'ol cake with some thick cream cheese frosting smeared all over it. So I make the cake. It cools, I frost it, I eat a piece. MMMM...I eat another piece. The taste of it in my mouth is unbelieveably delicious. Ok, that's enough for now. And I know I've satisfied my taste for sweets so I should be fine. Then today gets here.I do great the whole day, but then the minute hubby leaves for work, my mind is on the cake once again. I do all I can to get it out of my mind. I start to think about how it feels in my mouth, how it taste, the texture, the pure joy I get out of just having it in my mouth. One piece down, mop the floor, vaccuum, give two huge pieces to my parents, leave two huge pieces for the hubby, but there is still one piece left....hmmmm....yep, you've guessed it, I got another piece and ate it. And still those pieces that are left for hubby,...no..no I can't.



And so I start this blog, to maybe see if I can sort out my reasons, my need, for why I feel I have to eat. Can it just be the taste I'm after? Is there some deep dark secret that coerces me to go and stuff food in my face? I can relate to Ruby on tv. She can't remember alot of her childhood...could that be my problem? Was I abused or something when I was younger to where I have this eating disorder? I've always been overweight...as long as I can remember. I've been on so may diets it's ridiculous. Pills, meal bars, shakes, Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers and TOPS, joined the different weight loss groups on the internet, exercised, even back in the 80s when you would go in to get a shot of a pregnant woman's placenta and eat a chicken breast every day, and the tons of water I've drank...I could fill Lake Erie...well, in a matter of speaking...I probably have...lol



So what or why is the reason I feel I have to consume everything in sight? I think, it's because I just like the taste of food....so I've classified myself as a food-aholic. I'm like an alcoholic, except I gotta have the food. And it's even harder than being an alcoholic or someone who smokes. You have to have food. If I were an alcoholic, or smoked, you have to go out and get those things...food is always accessible because it's always in the house. And if I just had the "good" foods in the house....I would still abuse it and eat more than I should. And therein lies my other problem, I have no control over portions. I can eat all the "good" foods, but if I don't watch the protions, isn't it the same as just stuffing myself with the "bad" foods?

For the last 3 weeks I've been trying to eat sensibly. I drink a protein shake in the morning. Cookies and Cream shakes. Very good tasting. Then have maybe a cup of light yogurt and 1/2 cup of granola.For dinner, I have a small piece of meat and some veggies and then at night I have a piece of fruit. How long do you think I will last on this one?

I just want to loose some weight before I go to Vegas. I haven't seen my son for almost a year. He moved to California with his wife. And we plan on going to California for a couple days to visit, and then on to Vegas. I've put some more weight on since I lost saw them. I had lost 75 pounds about 2 years ago, but I've gained it all back but about 30 of it. I wonder if they'll notice? So now I want to hurry and lose that 45 pounds in a month....like that's going to happen. Well I have lost 10 of it...but we all know thats pretty much water weight. I'm still not getting offa my butt and exercising, so Im still not really using up calories except for what I usually lose just from everyday activities.

So for right now, right this minute, the urge to go eat another piece of that cake, has passed. And so I think I'm going to leave this blog for the moment and go drink a gallon of water. If the urge comes back,......as Arnold Swarzenegger says, I'll be back!